Lewis Lines found loitering around Torquay!!

-Bruce Forsyth denies all allegations of abandoning Laffy at birth.

-News that Monkey Allan is missing came filtering through in the early hours of yesterday morning, police were said to have received a phone call from someone beleived to be more sober than drunk. Are these allegations true? well, on one hand we have the word of a complete stranger, on the other hand we must consider this the work on the serbian gang that had plotted to kidnap Monkey and trade him for Sudanese lightbulbs and Basmati rice.

-Stephen Tew today described of menacing characterists that appear on Michael Jacksons penis, he was quoted as describing the willy as have a "remakable resemblence to william hague".

-Thomas Laforet has signed up for a woodlice eating challenge to take place in Tibet in July-watch this space.

-El Haj Gobbler has been blamed for the lack of ethnic minorities in Russia. President Putin was quoted as saying "erm...blame .....Gobbler."

-Shirt sponser for next season anounced as peter sellers.

-Players disgraced in Nightclub ejection. Stephen Tew and an unknown dwarf were apparently ejected from a night club after what club security described as inciting a pool based snatch-n-grab.

-Wernham Hogg fell victim to the Christmas turkey as they fall to their first defeat in 3 as the new yer begins. The loss reduces the Hoggs lead at the top of the table to a mere 3 points.

-Rumours of new boots. It is reported in 2 broadsheet newspapers that Laffy and Lino have bought new boots, why is this signifigant? what will this mean for Will? how will attitudes change towards beastiality? watch this space.

-Football takes a backseat as the Darwin mens society breaks up for Christmas with Stephen Tew promising to bring back photos of his "airing cupboard" "attic" for teams mates who questioned his wanking stories.

-Wernham Hogg and D-Twelve players stopped by police after a drunken night out which saw Gobbeler stopped and questioned by police as team members mocked him!. (AFFECTIONATE)

-Stephen Tew convinces Andy Calderwood and Will Juben-Finch that he was on Pets win Prizes with a dog named Peper.He was lying!

-El Haj Gobbler and an accomplice named only as AK47 linked to the September 11th attackers in America.

-Wernham win again in a commanding performance against a depleated D-twelve.

-Tom Laforet has decided to become the manager of the Darwin Boys seven a-side team taking over from popular boss Andy "5 Bellies" Calderwood.

-El Haj Gobbler admits his adiction for internet gaming.

-Darwin mens society enter the Kent annual 7-a-side tournament, and although being knocked out showed great team spirit and Captain Stephen Tew is quoted as saying "I amvery proud of the lads"

-Today Wernham Hogg play Darwin-12 in a mtch of particular significance to the league table. Wernham Captain Stephen Tew has announced the team, updates with be posted later.

-Last night according to tabloid headlines, 2 Wernham Hogg players were ejected from a nightclub after causing trouble and balcony diving.

-A club spokesman has refused to comment on the January transfer rumours floating around the tabloid papers.

-Monkey Allan has been fined by a hotel for trashing ceiling tiles after a boozy night out. Monkey has refused to comment but the club have not ruled out a possible suspension.

-El Haj Gobbler has offered himself as a new candidate for presidency in the Ukraine.

-Tom Laforet is named as the mystery toilet roll flusher at a hotel that caused all sorts of shity problems. Laforet is reported to have said "sod Guts, i bloody did it"

-Monkey Allan calls for more security before matches after being assaulted by Latvian fans in October.

-Injury News ahead of thursdays game: Captain and all round good guy Stephen Tew is a doubt for Thursdays game with ankle ligament trouble and is 50-50 ahead of thursdays match. Rest of the squad should be fit.

-Concerns over whether Lewis Lines will be available for thursdays game due to family commitments.

-Stephen Tew appointed as Wernham Hogg capatin.

-Many of yesterdays tabloids have linked Gobbler to another club. There has been no official responce to the club but Gobbler is said to be "Bloody Outraged".

-Stephen Tew has denied any connection to the death of chinese cockle pickers at Morcome bay. 

-Lewis Lines was caught on his way home from the clubs last match masterbating by over zelous cameramen. It is not reported what action the club intends to take.

-Monkey Allan reportedly was involed in a fracas with two teams mates, in an incident at a hotel room-staff are said to have been shocked.

-Stephen Tew has reportedly been sent to rehab by the club after months of yobbish and destructive behaviour. One of his team mate is reported to have lost his patience with him.

-Tom Laforet has finally admitted his obsession to alcohol, after persistently turning up for games either drunk or hungover.

-Alex Cornelius is currently being questioned by humberside police over a reported rape with an opposition player. The victim has been disclosed as Will Gubes. Gubes' only responce to this was "il fight ya".